Now I'm not the type to mess with another girls man. Like girl that's your man you handle.
I'm a line cook and unfortunately not many line cooks are female. There are only two female line cooks in my kitchen and I'm one of the 2.
I have many of my co workers number in my phone for work related reasons considering I work in a hotel/casino. So I need them just incase I need more hours or what not.
Well the one co worker in particular we will call him spidercuh cause iykyk. He looks like a cuh Edgar haircut and all.. let's also mention I'm married.
So anyways spidercuh and I have a brotherly relationship. I have a brother his age that I wish I saw more and so I adopted him as my little brother. We fight and talk to eachother like siblings. Well his girl called me Monday night asking why my number is in his phone.
I stopped and started laughing cause the ONLY reason why I texted him and have his number is cause I needed to switch hours with him at the beginning of the month. And that was all. Well this girl goes off saying isn't the chef supposed to do that. I was like I called her and asked her she said to ask him. And she was like I still don't see why he has your number in his phone. I said IM MARRIED WTF?! I dont want your man. She said exactly so why you texting him I said what are you gonna do you won't do shit. She goes did I say I was. I was laughing and told her wow you are toxic asf. She hung up on me. And I still to this day cannot stop laughing cause dude. There isn't ANYTHING going on.
I wanna be petty and send her a message saying be jealous he likes me more than you and then block her but im like nah I don't want him to get into trouble. Keep in mind he is 19 and she is 32. I'm like bro you need to leave she's hella toxic.
He can't even get a message from our boss cause she thinks something is going on. I'm dead. This shits hella funny.
Edit:I'm not laughing at his situation I'm laughing at her. He has told her there is nothing going on she is mad at our lesbian boss for texting him about work and mad at me for texting him about work. I'm laughing at her. Not at him. Trust me we have tried to talk him out of this relationship. We all have.
TLDR: Coworkers girlfriend called me cause she thought that I was trying to get with him when I'm married and have no interest in him.

So im starting my process for the first time(Imma Rook) but i wanna do a syle like ja morant got he had a Freeform twist out afro for the longest so i wanna do that for like a year then when im old enough to move out my parents crib inna year i wanna do a two strand twist. but right now my hair is wave length but im not worried cuh my hair grow quick. but i wanted to know what haircut i should get for the fro i was thinkin a afro taper on the sides and the back to let it grow out or a skin taper all around

DC Next Presents:

SHAZAM!

Issue 3: Banjo and the Boys
Arc: A Boy Named Shazam
Written by TreStormArt
Edited by BoiledInk , AdamantAce , and Voidkiller826
WARNING: This story has content potentially harmful to those sensitive to these topics. For those who read on, remember these kinds of people are real.
 
"Alarms are raised--what's going on down there?"
Her heels bang a steady, confident beat on the marble. Her servants scramble as she barks questions and orders into the mouthpiece.
Static…
"What are you imbeciles doing?!"
On the other end of the line is a charred corpse. Dozens of them. The building is rubble.
The room once containing the vault now consists of dust and death. Nothing more.
 
Adam lands with a treasury upon his shoulders.
"Father, how? What is this?"
"Conquest, boy. You missed that part of your station," he drops it on the hard packed sand. Dozens of workers begin carrying stacks of currency, "Wait."
They freeze. They shake. What punishment awaits them?
"You all dress in rags. Your wages multiply today. Osiris, go tell the relevant men. Every unemployed Kahndan will be offered a position to rebuild what you've ruined. This age of prosperity starts here."
Osiris shuffles away in bewilderment. His father invites power struggle. The unruly masses will have the power to challenge their masters. All his work to keep the spirit of Kahndaq broken is now forfeit.
CLAP
Osiris bounces in a cloud of sand.
"You will carry out the restoration of my people with pride, grace, and resolve! After your long dynasty of failure, you're more than lucky for this redemption."
How dare he? In front of the slaves? Peasants watch his humiliation. What is Osiris to do? This is an unacceptable affront for a king!
A god, damn it!
He shuts his mouth, drops his gaze, and flies away to do his father's bidding.
Black Adam spends the rest of his day, ensuring the workers in his palace can feed their families.
A generous king is a good king, indeed.
 
⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
 
There are thousands of confused faces.
Loud music, balloons, entertainers, and journalists litter the stage. Mayor Morris boils beneath the surface with a stern smile guarding his pride. His mustache is trimmed, and the milky remains of his hair have been neatly slicked to appear a consummate professional.
His tight fist jitters and shakes and Lance Corporal Reid leans in, "Sir, they're starting to file out."
A startled panic grabs hold for a moment as he silences the musicians, "Uh, well, I think it's safe to say he's out there saving another life. Thank you all for coming and don't forget to vote!"
He keeps his smile fixed in place as the curtains draw and once he's hidden so too is his face within his hands, "Don't forget to vote… Don't forget to vote?"
"We should head to the dressing room."
"I just told the public to vote after making an outright fool of myself…"
"Sir, we need to go."
"Where is that cocky little shit anyway?"
 
⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
 
Billy is as still as the headstones. The frosty drizzle thumps his layered clothes. His tremble is unrelated to his temperature and his thoughts are dark.
The man beneath his feet had a family. He had children. Billy murdered him out of carelessness.
Shazam is no hero. Billy is no hero.
Billy is not Shazam.
RIIIIIIIIIIIING
"Yeah?"
"Why the hell weren't you in class, alborotador?"
"Oh, hi Rosa," luckily Billy has started planning ahead for these conversations.
"Responde mis preguntas! Where are you?"
"Looking for my biological mom."
A beat of silence before she can respond, "Ah, ya veo… She's in the city?"
"Yeah…"
"Pequeño, you want to find her?"
"Yeah."
"I can help you on the weekend, but you have to get back home. Bueno?"
"Yeah."
She's probably too tolerant. Victor will be annoyed for sure.
When he gets home he's greeted with a vibrant living room. Eugene and Pedro play Mortal Koil as Freddy is backseat gaming on the couch sandwiched between them. The boys sitting in height order don't notice Billy until Freddy pipes up.
"Sup! Dinner is almost done."
"Cool," he tries to reach the stairs before he has to talk to anyone else.
"Oh, Billy, check out a meme I made!" Eugene pauses the game, much to Pedro's dismay, and taps his phone around before picking it up again.
Ping!
Billy opens his lock screen to see Sterling Morris in the rain below a poorly superimposed wedding altar with the caption: Poor guy got left at the altar.
Billy replies with an emoji, "Since when do you care about politics?"
"Since it flooded my timeline!"
Pedro tosses the controller to Freddy in frustration, "Cheater..."
"Git gud, salt boy."
Billy turns to the stairs once more when his worst fears come.
"Big brother!!!" The little tasmanian leaps from a few steps up and is barely caught, "Mary taught me to braid hair! And I did a picture on the fridge! And I drank a whole bunch a milk! But then I puked! And then-"
"I'm glad someone's having a good day! Did you get a gold star?" He walks towards the kitchen with her.
"No, because Sarah said I put boogies in her hair but I didn't and Ms. Rebecca said I was gonna get a red star so I said sorry but I didn't do it!"
He sits her on the chair and looks into her eyes, "You did good. Next time you see Sarah, tell her she's your friend and give her a hug."
He tries again to reach the stairs but Mary is halfway down, "Well, well, well, little Mr. Truant felt it worth his time to come home for dinner."
"Well at least my standards are set somewhere in the realm of reality," with that he squeezes past her.
"Not your grades, though."
"Yeah, yeah, ye-"
"Órale, Billy!" Rosa appears atop the stairs, "Andale! Coat, shoes, dinner! Vamos, pequeño!"
They all rush to the table where Victor is setting plates, "Bill doesn't get dessert, but everyone else gets cheesecake."
"YES!" Darla screams.
They sit, have their meal, and Billy goes to bed as soon as possible.
Freddy flips on the news while they eat the cheesecake.
"Of course I have no hard feelings for our hero! He was busy, and that's fine! He still has the Sterling seal of approval!"
 
⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
 
A glass of whiskey shatters against a wall, "FUCKING PRICK!"
"You alright, Sterling?"
"That bastard thinks he can make a buffoon of me?! I built the media! I own City Hall! I am Fawcett City, damnit! If he thinks for one second I'm some kind of mooncalf, he's got a surprise on the way! This won't stand!"
His pearly hair doesn't quite match his scarlet complexion. He glistens and sputters and gasps for air.
"Damnit David, what should I do?"
"Sterling, I'm a military man to my core. Now, you see this guy as an opportunity. I see a threat. A damn big threat, we don't know what he can do. He could be the next Superman for all we know."
"-And we could be the next Metropolis! Whiz News could be the new Daily Planet! I could have statues of gold, both me and this lightning kid! My son could be President off the back of my legacy! That's what I see!"
"What if he isn't? What if he's the next Hal Jordan? What if we're the next Coast City? If you survived you'd be the guy that sponsored him. What kind of legacy would that leave?"
"If I turn on him now, I lose the next election, it's that simple."
"He's a reckless vigilante! Powers or no, he won't speak with the police, he won't meet in public, and he won't even stick around after killing a guy!"
"After killing a scumbag! He's either shy, conceded, or worried about people like you. Do you seriously expect me to issue a manhunt? The public loves the guy! This morning my secretary showed me one of those mee-mees comparing him to Christ!"
"The right move is rarely the popular one-"
"In politics, the only move is the popular one! You'd have me ruin my image, throw away my livelihood"
He drags a cigar and has a thought.
"Find him. Make work with us. If he says no, we work on a defamation campaign and I flip my stance."
"No. This is stupid. I'm not doing it."
"You're a war hero, sure. But you got one arm and a bad attitude, how far you think you'll get without my good graces? Find him. Make him cooperate, or you're fired."
He stands, "That a threat, Morris?"
"A promise."
Reid draws his sidearm.
"You know what they say about a politician's promises."
 
⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
 
"Billy, check it out," Freddy points to an empty table in the cafeteria, "No drama club."
"A lot of freshmen didn't show up," he bites into his cold cinnamon roll with a loud crunch.
"Maybe they set up a freshman ditch day?"
"Don't care, either way."
"You okay, man?"
"Astonishing."
"I haven't seen any reports of Captain Marvel-"
"Don't call him that."
"Colonel Zappy."
"No."
"Power Guy?"
"Stop.
"Voltage!"
"Seriously."
"Reginald."
"What did I say?"
"Super Shock?"
"Shut up!"
"Corporal Lightning!"
Billy snatches his blue bag, drops his food in the trash, and storms off.
"We'll figure something out!" Freddy finishes his soggy french toast sticks.
 
Billy is leaving the parking lot and preparing to jaywalk to his shortcut home when he hears a warm sound.
The playful plucking of a jolly banjo and a smooth hum draw his eye to a run-down old van. It's red with a white dragon painted on it, wrapping around the frame. The sliding door is open wide and there sits a man with a red ball cap, a cigarette, and a pristine banjo.
Billy isn't Shazam. He wants to do something bad.
"Mister, can I get a smoke?"
The melody doesn't skip a beat, "How old are you, kid?"
"Old enough."
"Heh! A load of horse shit," he plucks a short riff with one hand and tosses a pack of Red Apples with the other, "Need a light?"
"Sure," it flies at him quickly, and he takes a long drag. Followed immediately by a dozen coughs. Very rarely does he regret a choice instantly.
"You make a habit of breaking rules?" His calloused fingers dance between chords.
"As much as anyone."
"That'll get you places you don't want, trust me I've been there."
"Jail?"
"Prison. Gangs. Living out the back of a van."
"You don't look homeless."
"Just cause a man lacks residency doesn't mean he can't be hygienic. It just takes some doin'."
"That why you're parked outside a school?" Doesn't look the type.
"Nah, that's because of the dozens of free parking spots at night. Waiting for em to wrap up in there so I can get some sleep. Get towed if I do it here."
"What's your name?"
"Banjo. You?"
"Bill. I'm gonna head out, been good talking with you."
"You ever feel alone?"
Weird question. Red flag.
His foot scratches its twin and his gaze drops, "Everyone does."
"Not lonely. Truly alone. Powerless. Forgotten. I'm a vet, some of us feel that quite often."
He has a cozy bed waiting at home, "Yeah, I guess."
"I know some kids you'd like. Troublemakers, rule breakers. Comradery is important at your age."
"I'm good, I don't need friends," not a conversation worth continuing.
"But family?"
Billy freezes. Family? He's had dozens. But, true family? He hasn't seen that yet.
"You're not talking about a gang are you?"
"No, not a gang. It's more of a club. One full to bursting with like-minded individuals."
"This club got a name?"
"A. S. P."
"Don't be coy."
"American Socialist Party."
"Ugh, a political thing? I got a few years before I have to care, see ya," he turns to leave when the music stops.
Wood splinters against his ear with a final thunderous note. Before he can notice he's been struck with a banjo, let alone landed on the ground, a large boot lands on his face.
"We tried it the easy way, didn't we?"
This guy looked small a second ago, but he wasn't joking about being ex-military. His boots are akin to baseball bats. Stomps rain, and there's a splash of blood.
Billy can feel his skin tearing, his abused flesh expanding, his teeth loosening, his eye closing, and finally his jaw dislocating.
In a matter of moments, he's been reduced to a puddle of bloody lumps.
Why? He just wanted a rebellious cigarette. He just didn't want to join a political party. So, why?
Banjo slams his steel toe into the child's ribs.
"Shhaaa-"
"Sha-sha-shut the fuck up!"
"Zaa-"
He snatches Billy from the ground and throws him into the van.
 
⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
 
Freddy runs through the door in tears. Rosa holds him close.
"Qué esta mal, bebé? Why aren't you at school?"
"I went looking for Billy at lunch! And, and, his backpack!"
Victor grabs the bag from him. It's covered in blood, "Oh, God…"
"Take it slow, pequeño. Where was it? Que pasó?"
"It hic was in the hic gutter! Cuh-c-covered in blood!"
She holds him tightly as tears stream from her face and Victor makes a 911 call.
They spend the rest of the night calling anyone and everyone they can imagine. By morning everyone is exhausted and drained.
Every tear has been shed.
Every prayer has been said.
 
⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
 
It's dark. He slowly rises in a daze. His blurred vision isn't helped by one locked eye. Beneath the cold steel floor is a rhythmic thumping. Train tracks?
He rubs his good eye and it adjusts. His good ear catches it first. He's in a metal box filled with crying boys. They're all children his age or younger, not many are injured but some are worse off than he is.
Breathing, moving, thinking; all painful. Billy thinks back to history and the second World War. Suddenly he's filled with panic. The train leads nowhere good. Time to think.
One crack of light in the roof, a sliding door, likely bolted, little room to maneuver. One steel door on the far wall, likely the next train car.
"Evvrone ohhkey?" Intense pain. Talking is a bad idea right now. Maybe get one word right? No, he can't say it. He's in a steel box with children in it. Who knows what might happen if struck by lightning? Too dangerous.
"You okay, kid?"
He snaps to his right, "Is oo?"
The same kid from the dean's the other day, only a few scrapes on him, "Name's Lester, you're that kid from school right? You look messed up, man. He break your jaw or somethin'?"
Billy nods. Words are becoming something to fear.
Lester leans in, "I don't know shit about doctor stuff, but that looks bad. Can I pop it back in or somethin'?"
Billy takes a big step back as his eye goes wide.
"Bad idea? Nevermind."
Billy sees only one way out, up.
 
In the next car over, Banjo enjoys a delicious beverage and a huge sandwich when his phone vibrates.
"Banjo singin'."
"Evening Mr. Banjo."
He chokes a moment and spits his food out, "-Minerva!"
"Try again, darling."
"Sorry, Ms. Minerva."
"Better. Train on schedule?"
"Yep."
"How many should we expect in this batch?"
"Twenty-seven, ma'am."
"What? You couldn't even harvest thirty? What are you, some amateur? Last month alone you brought a healthy stock, sixty strong! Many of them have graduated up river already. I need more soldiers!"
"Next shipment will-" the line dies.
He calmly places his phone in his pocket, takes a deep breath, and faces a wall. He drives his fist into the metal and his wrist sprains.
Two bald soldiers in full black, neither older than twenty, stand stiff behind the bar. He turns to the nearest.
"You. You're tough?"
"Yes, sir."
"Strong are ya?"
"Yes, sir."
"Devoted to the cause as well?"
"Yes, sir!"
"Wanna test yourself?"
"Yes sir."
He plants his feet and sends his injured fist through his disciple's nose, twisting it to the side. His head knocks back and blood poor's into a glass, Banjo promptly fills this glass with whiskey.
He pats the boy's shoulder, "Drink up."
The other soldier chimes, "Sure, I'd like to test myself as well."
"Either that or you're just thirsty, huh?"
He starts chuckling. Slowly the boys join in. After a merry moment, Banjo snatches the drink and shatters it against his head.
He drops but doesn't make a sound. When he returns to his feet, Banjo places a large bottle of whiskey between them, "You guys are alright."
 
Billy yanks at his shirt. Sporadic grunts and shallow gasps mark his lack of progress.
He hears a shirt shredding next to him, "Lucky I wear layers kid. Take it."
"Ank oo," he takes the strip of cloth and tightly wraps around his jaw and top of his head.
Lester plops down beside him, "You think we're gonna be sold? Like a slavery thing? Or maybe they're gonna drop us into the forest and tell us to fight. Maybe they are gonna use us for organs?"
Maybe it doesn't matter why we're here, just how we get out.
Billy taps Lester's shoulder and points up to the vent. He smiles and looks around, "Who isn't too injured?"
A dozen hands shoot up. The group of boys lift Billy ten feet and he grabs tight the vent. He punches and slams and tries to pry the lid, loud grunts all the way. His exacerbated cries must've been heard.
The thick steel door swings open to reveal Banjo and his goons, all holding machine guns except Banjo holding a shotgun, "Y'all boys actin' up, now?"
He steps in and most of the older ones seem to have the thought to swarm him. He cocks his weapon and points it to Billy, dangling from the vent, "Drop or get dropped!"
He tries to swing and kick but Banjo just grabs his ankle and yanks him to the ground. He rests the barrel on his forehead.
"Y'all listen good, now. Ya ain't shackled cause we want ya minglin' and ya ain't prisoners! You're workers! Soldiers! Ya ain't boys no more, you're men! Ain't no way off this train without my say so! Y'all wanna rebel? Get violent? I get violent and you get punished. I appreciate the strong will to carry on with your old lives, but it's over! Move on, new era. Y'all are gonna save this nation, damnit! Y'all are family now, deal it. I'll see ya in the mornin'."
With that, they leave. There's a long silence. A young boy says, "We're soldiers?"
Lester shouts, "We're men!"
A third of them cheer. Billy can't believe these idiots. One threatening speech and they believe every hateful word? None of them miss their family? None of them hate that asshole? Hopefully, they're just scared.
One thing has become clear: He's not gonna get them all out.
 
The next morning the train stops. The container slides open and fifty bald men, barely adults stand with Banjo. They line boys up in height order. They shake and some are still crying. Some of the boys defecated on themselves and some are covered in dry blood. None of them are dressed for the cold.
Billy notes the chain-link topped with razor wire. Climbing would be dumb. Even if he got out, they're in the middle of nowhere.
She is too tall, far taller than any of her henchmen. Her burgundy dress is flared and the bottoms are kissed with snow. Her heavy makeup attempts to mimic her youth forever lost to her. Her neutral, painted expression never waivers.
"Good morning, boys," she marches up and down the line, "The rules will be followed. I will be obeyed. You will hang on my every word, and there will be no weakness, no laziness, no cowardice, and no insubordination. You will work, you will do what I, or any member of my staff instruct. You will all visit our resident doctor for ailments and physicals. Are there any questions?"
A small boy raises his hand timidly, "Can I go home?"
She kneels to be only a head taller than the boy, "This is home. We are your family."
She makes her way to the smallest among them, "What's your name, dear?"
"Martin…"
"Short stack, ey? How old are ya?"
"Eight…"
"Aye, so you'll surely grow. You look like a healthy boy. No major injuries, no clear abnormalities," she points to a soldier, "Follow him."
She makes her way up the line, sorting the weak from the strong. Each evaluation is seasoned with warm affirmations and backhanded compliments.
"Shashmm, Shasham, shassam," each mumbled attempt is a hammer on his cheek. Though, he keeps trying with each breath.
He shuts up when he's sure she could hear. Sooner than he'd like her eyes are less than a foot from his.
She gestures to his wrapping, "Is this your doing?"
He nods.
"That's some good old fashioned problem solving, young man. I'm truly sorry for your injury. Mr. Banjo's brashness no doubt. I imagine it's painful to speak, but I'd like to know your name."
"Wuss oors?"
"Tenacious. Inquisitive. I'm willing to trade names on three. Deal?"
He nods.
She counts down on her fingers.
"Blly."
"Billy? Nice to meet you," she directs him to the healthy line.
She finishes up and takes a particular interest in Lester. Once everyone is sorted, "Gentlemen, the healthy among you are to go to the showers and the I'll of you are to see Mr. Who, our resident physician. Good night all, and I'll be seeing you for supper."
They depart. That was the last time anyone saw the boys who went to the doctor.
"Mr. Banjo, you're dismissed. Bring a better batch next time. If I ever get less than fifteen healthy recruits again, you're going to serve us in the House, rather than on the streets."
Billy and the rest have their clothing taken from them, they shower in a group. Some hold an odd sense of enthusiasm. They're outfitted with black sweat wear and escorted to the barber.
Once Billy has his head shaved, he's given a heavy dose of anesthesia. He comes too in empty barracks, jaw wired shut. First thing, find a weak point. There's a loose bolt he might be able to do something with, but it isn't much.
Before he can do much more searching, Lester knocks looking pretty unchanged by the haircut, and pretty unshaken by the abduction.
"Come on, kid. Pork and potatoes await."
When he gets to the cafeteria he realizes he can't chew, nor chomp. They gave him no utensils, save for a straw in his milk. He finds himself without a choice. He rips his porkchop into the smallest pieces he can, mixes them in with the mashed potatoes and milk, and slurps his 'smoothie' until completion.
It's about the least appetizing way to eat this, but food is food. Minerva never took her eyes off the process.
Ting ting ting ting ting.
She taps a fork to her glass until everyone finally shuts up, which takes longer than it should. She doesn't address a small room of boys. She speaks to hundreds.
"Supper has concluded, and our newest arrivals have successfully accomplished their first day, she gives a pause, the boys give applause, "Sweet dreams, my sons. May you be the healthy future of the great race!"
With that word, Billy knew exactly who these people are. He might not recognize the name but this lady is definitely a white-supremacist and she definitely wants him to be one.
What's the best option here? Play along and earn her trust? He considers dropping under the radar, except he's already been noticed.
Pray for the Wizard?
That guy can't even figure out the correct champion after millennia. Even with magic, Billy is probably going to die in some sick conversion camp.
The boys all file out, "Billy, Lester, walk with me," she struts to her office, towering above them. Lester is relaxed but Billy is stiff as stone.
They enter her lavish office where she gestures to chairs as she claims her own. Everything in the room has a feel of generations passed. The grandfather clock looks antique in the truest sense, yet it chimes. Billy scans the room for a weapon until he faintly hears a click under her desk. Knowing his situation, angering her is ill-advised.
"You two boys enjoy a drink?" She pulls out a bottle of something older than she is, and definitely something Billy knows he shouldn't touch. Without waiting for a response, she pours three glasses and puts a straw in one.
Lester enthusiastically slams it back and his face sucks into itself as he processes that decision. Minerva allows it to air before taking a sip. She stares at Billy.
"Drink, darling. It won't hurt you. I promise."
He gently lifts the glass and pours it on the floor. Her expression remains neutral.
"You like to keep sharp, I can respect that. You're both quite tenacious. Strong wills are the backbone of this family and I know a stubborn man when I see one."
"Thank you, Ms. Me and Bill are grateful, even if he doesn't like to drink," that last line smacked Billy with a hint of scorn.
"Of course, my boy. It is in fact that gratitude which brings you both here. Some of the younger ones are confused, they don't feel that gratitude. However, they look to you both for inspiration."
"We will reassure them," he nudges Billy under the table, "and we'll report any broken rules."
One drink can turn a drug dealer into a snitch? Maybe it wasn't the drink.
She looks to Billy, "Are you both prepared for a leadership position in our family?"
The more she says family, the more vomit he has to suppress. He nods.
 
⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
 
A few days go by. It starts slow. Anxious kids tried to escape and got caught on the wire. Minerva left them there as a reminder.
Lester buys into this insanity more every day. Kids who steal are beaten in front of everyone. Kids often disappear.
A week of this and Lester has assumed his position of authority in a dark tone. He's showered with gifts and affirmations every time he brutalizes someone. Billy has never witnessed this, but he hears the whispers.
This particular afternoon a young boy named Martin found digging quite difficult with the shovel as large as he is.
"Hey, short stack! Pick it up, and get to it!" He smacks the kid, "What are ya waiting for, Christmas?"
Billy gets in his face only to get shoved back. Lester smacks Martin again and gets a shovel in return.
By the time Lester reaches his feet Martin is sprinting. Billy catches Lester's ankle mid chase and catches his shoe in the skull as a reward. Billy takes the shovel and chucks it at the running lunatic. He takes out the knee. A loud pop and he hits the ground. He doesn't stop his pursuit.
Billy chases. A soldier tries to stop him but Minerva grabs his gun, "I want to see how this plays out."
He runs as hard as he can and slams Lester to the ground.
"What the fuck is your problem?"
"You -tacking kidsh," he pummels Lester until he catches a sharp elbow to the nose. Lester trades a few shots with him until he gets the upper hand. Billy is beaten for a minute, but he punches Lester's injured leg, soliciting a yelp and enough time to land a crotch shot.
The boys scrap on the ground for a few minutes until, "Enough!"
The guards pry them apart.
"We are going for a walk, and we can have a chat regarding loyalty, responsibility, and family," her men drag Billy and Martin into the snowy woods. Lester is handed a baseball bat and told to wait.
"What did poor old Lester do to deserve this betrayal? What did little Martin do to deserve this favoritism?"
"You know nothing abou- family. Family protecsh."
She slaps him, "I've tried and tried with you, William. You don't understand this family at all, so now there's a choice."
Martin is tied by his hands, and hung from a branch, "Billy, help! Help!! Don't let them-" he's gagged with a ball and a belt.
She presents a revolver, "There's one shot. Hope your aim is as honed as your attitude. You miss his head, you won't survive the week. We won't make it easy either."
He holds it in shock. This is insane. He's just a kid. Martin is too young. Billy is too young. Just shoot her. But… there's a firing squad here, ready to execute him at the slightest provocation.
He tosses the gun to Martin's feet.
"Lester. Go easy on the head. Keep him breathing."
He spends the next ten minutes tenderizing Billy's flesh, cracking his bones, and laughing as he does it. Eventually, he gets bored.
"Billy, was it worth it?"
He tries to spit blood but it hits his locked teeth. Minerva lifts Billy, angling his vision to Martin as Lester picks up the gun. Martin has been sobbing all this time and now Billy is.
"Pleash!!! Don't!" He shoves his works through nonconsensually gritted teeth, "You monshtersh…."
"What makes us monsters, my child? Our strength? Or the willingness to root out and terminate the weak? We are the chosen. We are the future, the past, we are God, and Death. You are a petulant child. That thing you call Martin, is a slimy worm. He couldn't just dig? You couldn't just let him take the punishment he earned? The brazenness of it. The gifts I've given. You spat in my face. I spit in his."
BANG!
His gaze aims below the Earth, focusing on some other place in some other galaxy or some other dimension. He has chosen to remain silent.
"Billy. Billlyyy? Look what you've done, my dear. Poor little Martin needn't perish as he has. He could've been beaten and sent to bed without supper. He could've lived to my age, but you just had to do the stupid thing."
He's dragged through the camp, in front of everyone. They're mortified by this bloody, swollen mess. He's tied to the flag pole and lifted to the top.
He spends the frozen night trying his utmost to say that magic word that can save him. Why does it have to be exact? He's condemned because his Z's sound like S's? This is unfair, ridiculous.
Where are you, Shazam?
As his eyes can no longer remain open, and his mind can no longer focus, his mouth takes over its pointless task, and his vision shifts into Mount Olympus.
"What are you doing?"
He stands at the base of the pole.
"I'm dying."
"So melodramatic. What's happening is awful, but there's a reason you're my champion."
"Yeah, you chose wrong."
"If I'd chosen incorrectly, you'd certainly believe otherwise."
"So what? Rip out the wires and shout your name is a singsong voice? Save the day from creepy wannabe Nazis and declare myself the hero of America? Scream out for the heroes of the world who either don't know about us or don't care about us?"
"The first one will do nicely."
"Oh, screw you! You're not even here…"
"When did I give you the impression I could affect your realm? I'm thousands of years old. I step foot outside the Rock of Eternity, my old age will likely catch up to me. I can see this. It breaks my heart. I've seen worse. You will not disappoint me."
 

⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
 
The Vasquez family pray at dinner. Even Eugene, a decided atheist. Rosa is hollow. She reassures her children but is far too drained to do much more. Pedro is crying and Mary has been. Darla is luckily young enough to not know how bad the situation is.
"Freddy, can you pass the-"
Freddy snatches a salt shaker and tosses it into Victor's food.
"Come on, man."
"What? What's the problem, huh? You got your salt."
"I know we're all upset-"
"Billy is a brother. I let him get caught. I could've talked him into going to class. You know nothing about how upset I am."
He silently walks up to his room, slamming the door.
Victor can only sigh, "He's gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay."
"Today Major Morris claims the rise in kidnappings is coming to a swift end. Links between this spree of abductions have been linked to a gang called the American Socialist Party, a white supremacist organization that is known for abducting and recruiting caucasian boys between the ages of five and fifteen."
Victor clicks the television off and trudges through his meal.
 
⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
 
When the sun raises, Lester is alone at the bottom of the flagpole. He cranks the lever until a shivering Billy is eye level with him.
"Hey, bud. Hungry?" He offers a blended mush meal through a straw, which Billy slowly accepts.
"Why?"
"I could ask the same question. You were given better food, a better bed, better shoes, a better coat. Why throw away your life over some lazy kid?
"You help when peole need help. Ish called a conshence."
"You chose death. Plain and simple. You decided to die, and you took that kid with you."
"Member hish name?"
"The kid? No. Obviously not. He was a shovel with legs."
"Martin wush a shmart, ambishush kid. Sure he wushn't athletic but he had a family that worried for the worsht. You took him from them."
"Last night I was in a cozy, warm bed. I woke up to donuts this morning. You backed the wrong horse."
"Heesh not a horsh, he wush a kid."
"Yeah well, this is my first chance to be someone important. You're not gonna fuck this up."
"You can't be imporant. You can do imporant thingsh."
Minerva arrives above them, "Good morning, William. Are you ready?"
"For?"
"Your trial."
"Ugh… Thish ish gonna be good."
They untie him and drag him into the center of the courtyard, with hundreds of children encircling him. Lester cracks his knuckles.
"Only one of you walks away. William, you will kill or die. Will you cling to your conscience?"
She tosses him a knife. This does not at all balance the scales. Billy is barely standing. He is nearly frozen stiff and one eye is swollen shut. Lester has a bum leg and a full belly. He's revved up, ready to go.
Billy takes a stance and sends a few feints into the air. Lester tackles Billy and starts his assault. Billy has one advantage apart from the knife. He is numb.
Billy has to stop himself from passing out. He blocks a punch with the blade. The fight continues and Billy does his best not to use the knife again. Lester keeps the upper hand until he takes a huge kick to the injured leg.
Billy creates some distance as Lester tries to hobble back to his feet. He kicks him in the chin, pins him and beats him.
"Finish it, coward!"
Minerva cares more about breaking Billy, than recruiting Lester. The knife shakes in his hand as he thinks about Martin's eyes.
He lifts the blade to the knotted chicken wire on either side of his jaws and his jaw clearly isn't fully healed. He severs the wire in an agonizing, bloody mess until he can open his mouth wide.
"SHAZAM!"
Lightning strikes.
The snow and fog don't clear before the guns around the camp begin snapping in half. Guards begin flying into walls. Minerva turns to run but finds a large hand around her throat. The lightning in his eyes teaches her the chance of escape or lack thereof.
Hundreds of children stand stunned and confused as their captors are assaulted and restrained.
"These people were never any kind of family. You've all gone through something horrific, and some of you don't think so. You're all victims. You can all be better than these monsters. Some of you may never recover, but most of you will be good and healthy people. Spread kindness."
He leaps a mile up, feeling like himself again. He sees the nearest building is miles away. The phone in Minerva's office connects him with the nearest police department, who he informs of their location and spends an hour sending bolts into the sky.
Red and blue lights crawl up the train tracks and Shazam ducks behind a building and transforms.
The kids pool around the convoy as officers and paramedics begin checking them.
Shazam runs up to an officer, "Shir, there'sh a body in the woodsh."
"Ok kid, we gotta get you to a hospital."
"The kid'sh name wush Martin," he points to Lester, "He killed him."
 
⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
 
"We're here to see our kid, his name is Billy Batson."
"I.D.?"
Victor hands it to her and receives a strange look.
"Foster parents, I have the papers if you need them."
"Whatever, he's in room 230."
The family power walks that way, "Wow, what if that was a total bluff?"
"That dama es super mala at her job," Rosa has an uncrackable smile.
They reach the room and Darla runs in first.
"Bigbrother bigbrother bigbrother bigbrother bigbrother!" He leaps with all she has and crushes his lungs.
Freddy nearly trips over her crutches, he's zooming so fast, "Wow, you're fugly! Look at that jaw!"
"Oh god, pequeño! The people who did this were caught, si?!"
"Most of them. I don't know if they found the guy who caught me, to start with."
"Which reminds me, I have about thirty hours of stranger danger videos we need to watch, I forget you guys didn't grow up with the D.A.R.E program," Victor probably isn't joking.
 
⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
 
"Well, today I'm proud to announce the bold return of our hero!"
Shazam lands on a stage between Sterling Morris, happy as ever, and a crowd of hundreds. Likely would've been more if most people didn't assume he'd be a no show again. The clapping fades and Billy grabs a microphone.
"Sorry, Sterling for my absence last time. There was this horrific kidnapping operation I simply couldn't let continue. It was difficult to be sure, but justice was served to the best I can."
It turns out, pleasing a crowd just takes a sense of bland optimism.
"And we thank you for bringing many of our boys back to us. Now, for a less important, yet highly controversial topic, what the heck should we call ya?"
At this moment he realizes he hasn't exactly been workshopping this, so he says the first thing that comes to mind.
"Uh…. Captain Marvel!"
 
The Adventure Continues in the Next Issue: Fawcett Flames Part 1 - Coming December 2nd

Flamingo Funk Vol. 2 Is Premiering NOW!

This is the MEGATHREAD for Flamingo Funk Vol. 2!
Podcast: LIKE A FLAMINGO - Episode 4 (Flamingo Funk Special)
Artist: Various Artists (AKA - The Who's Who of the Vaporwave & Future Funk scenes!)
Release: Flamingo Funk Vol. 2
Label: My Pet Flamingo
What:
Boxset

• Limited to 100 (Hand Numbered)
  
• 1x White Jacket / Ultra Clear w/ Orange Splatter Vinyl 2xLP
  
• 1x Black Jacket / Gold w/ Blue Splatter Vinyl 2xLP
  
• 1x Special Cassette ‘Mixtape’ (Exclusive to the Box Set!)
  
• A photo print of the art and an A3 poster
  

Double Vinyl

• 500x - Original Cover [Transparent w/Orange Splatter]
  
• 300x - Original Cover [Heavyweight Black]
  
• 500x - Alternate Cover [Gold w/Blue Splatter]
  

Where: My Pet Flamingo Bandcamp
When: 00:01 UK Saturday 12th October [AKA Friday, 11th Oct. @ 4:01 PM PST / 7:01 PM EST]
Tracklist:

• Intro - Surgeon General’s Warning
  
• Strawberry Station - Get Up, Stand Up
  
• Synchro//Start - 悪魔の溝
  
• Saint Pepsi - I Need Your Love in Me
  
• /​/​turntboiフオレバー95 - our love
  
• Lola Disco - Cannot Hide
  
• Barb Walters - Heart
  
• Dan Mason - Seaside
  
• Pad Chennington - EXHIBITION
  
• Timeshare’94 - http:/ /Lost.Love Redux
  
• LAGUNE - Candy (w/ Lakeland)
  
• Future Girlfriend 音楽 X 悲しい ANDROID - APARTMENT¶ -_- 今を生きる
  
• playmateジェットセッター - crush ♡
  
• Mac Lacrosse - Stick Together
  
• venturecapitalist - Free Kisses
  
• TUPPERWAVE - Be Mine
  
• Luxury Elite - Salut
  
• waterfront dining - Sky Magela
  
• TVVIN_PINEZ_M4LL - のように感じるHEAVEN
  
• Vaperror - MagicForest
  
• US Golf 95 - serenityPLUS+
  
• Runners Club 95 - Good Time
  
• Wichita LimeWire - Be My BonziBUDDY
  
• Whitewoods - Toasterville
  
• danger.ファルコン.1989 - Ha.Ha.™
  
• Nmesh - Oxygen Bar
  
• Haircuts for Men - 空の道
  
• 猫 シ Corp. - Hyperreality
  
• death's dynamic shroud.wmv - 이상한 풍경
  
• ZAYAZ - Color Climax
  

When: 00:01 UK Saturday 12th October [AKA Friday, 11th Oct. @ 4:01 PM PST / 7:01 PM EST]

TheBossman5000 here, founder of this subreddit and self-proclaimed connoisseur of early internet gold. It is my mission to collect the greats, to determine the wheat from the chaff, the star wars kids from the leeroy jenkins'.
Whether it's your first time, or you've been with us since the beginning:
Welcome to /VintageViral
As we near 2000 subscribers, and after an influx of new lurkers and posters, I felt it was necessary to compile a definitive list of the greatest, most memorable viral gems of the internet. As more and more videos end up on this sub, I wanted to preserve the ones that really seem to draw people into this nostalgic memory lane run, in a nice round up of the the most popular heavy hitters.
In addition, we've noticed that a lot of the older classic videos sometimes get removed or re-uploaded around on YouTube, so we're working on a downloadable archive of all the most popular videos in the interest of preserving the the golden ages of the internet in all it's lip-syncing, light saber practicing, Bush administration mocking glory. More details on that soon.
This list is in no particular order, just a nice mix covering about 15 years of our favorite internet viral videos. It's compiled by me, so it's a bit of an opinionated list, but I wrote a short blurb on each video, describing why it deserves to be on this thread, and I'm open to feedback on anything. Also, if it wasn't clear, this is a NSFW subreddit. The early internet wasn't very work safe, and we're keeping it as it was.
I also want to thank NostraKlonoa and my other awesome Moderators for keeping this sub chill and cool for everybody. You guys work hard to archive the past, and keep this place welcoming for all. For that, I am grateful. Thank you.
------The Official List Of The Internet's Greatest Vintage Viral Hits------
Please, kick back and enjoy a wave of internet nostalgia, may the sweet sounds of a dial-up connection, and the pitter patter of chocolate rain take you on a journey, just make sure Charlie doesn't bite your finger.
You're the man now, dog.
The Dancing Baby

• The big one. The OG. The grandaddy of them all. The CGI dancing baby. This jumble of pixels and vertices would never know the impact it would have on a cultural phenomenon. The internet meme is a delicate art, just like the pied piper himself, this funky little guy danced his way into our hearts and led us into the dark. Forever we live among the net, our diaper-clad angel will lead the way to digital salvation.

Grape Lady Falls

• This poor woman couldn't be left out, of course. Her tragic accident has touched the lives of countless web-surfers through the ages now, I'm sure she was fine, although maybe she should avoid stomping grapes for a while. This one is truly iconic and rightfully deserves it's spot on this list, it's pop culture, even family guy makes fun of it.

Numa Numa Guy

• Joy, Satisfaction, Amazement, and a little bit of Fear. Those are the feelings that I'm hit with when I think back to the first time I saw this one. If there was ever a true symbol of vintage viral videos. A true god among men. If only I could have the confidence that this man has, I'd be invincible.

Bubb Rubb and Lil' Sis

• Some of the best neighbors you could ever ask for. Some say Mr. Rubb and his sidekick are still out there, making sure nobody sleeps in ever again.

The Original Leprechaun News Segment

• Absolutely one of the most memorable segments ever. It's cultural effects have rippled through the years. This one is gold, and the upvotes on the sub have shown how much this one was remembered and still packs a comedic punch. It also inspired this great Key and Peele parody sketch.

Monkey Smells Finger

• Sometimes I wonder how this particular ape would feel if he could comprehend the fact that his visage is an icon for the viral nature of the internet as whole. We salute you, the only chimp brave enough to put his nose where none other had the balls.

Bad Day.mpg

• Had to be included. Here's an excerpt from an article about this video. Vinny Licciardi didn’t realize he had gone viral until he heard one of his coworkers had seen a video of him smacking a computer on TV. Except at the time it wasn’t called “going viral”—there was no real precedent for this kind of thing. A video he made with his coworkers had somehow ended up on MSNBC, and thousands of people were sharing it.

Crazy Frog Bros

• An obnoxious song, a lot of sugar, and some free time appears to have given us a wonderful slice of life from these two excitable boys. Youth is a hell of a thing.

Winnebago Man

• Arguably one of the very first "viral" videos ever, it circulated by hand even before the internet became available. There's also a documentary about the man, he lived a quiet life as a state park ranger in retirement.

The Star Wars Kid

• Almost 20 years later, it feels a little wrong to perpetuate this particular video, considering the fact that the guy had a real hard time with bullying and even started a support group for tormented people who were the butt of internet jokes, but it's just so iconic, it couldn't be left out. Even Andy, in the office mentions it and it's subsequent support group. It's mainstream media at this point.

Ze End Of The World

• But, I am le tired. I think this one is a solid example of what came from the sprawling flash animation craze on Newgrounds and Ebaumsworld in the early 2000s. There are others of course, but most people seems to remember this as the the greatest and most memorable.

Insane Robot Dance

• people have done this type of dance better since, but this one was on ebaumsworld getting shared for a lot of years before this dance became popular

Potter Puppet Pals

• Classic internet goodness.

Charlie The Unicorn

• Early web show, I guess you could call it, very viral.

Jon Lajoie - Show Me Your Genitals

• Hilarious actor and songwriter, most remember this as his funniest song, so it takes it's place on this list to represent the body of Mr. Lajoie's comedic internet works.

Chris Crocker - Leave Britney Alone

• This loony toon made everybody laugh back in the day. He was passionate, I'll give him that.

Best of G.I. Joe PSAs

• The editor that put these together went on to work on the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! His works here will always be remembered as making us laugh our asses off. A welcome resident on this list, these videos shaped a man's career and inspired others. PORKCHOP SANDWICHES

The Smurfs Lost Episode - Flash Animation

• Self explanatory. Super old ebaumsworld shit.

JibJib "This Land!"

• Classic Bush-era, internet flash jokery.

The Techno Viking

• An absolute legend. I think I remember reading that this guy hated being on the internet through and tried to get this video removed wherever he could. Strange.

Elektronik, Supersonik

• True visionaries. Hey baby, wake up from your asleep.

Gunther - Ding Dong Song

• Gotta respect a man that's comfortable in his own skin. Thank you again Ebaumsworld.

Powerthirst

• Raw comedy, wonderful.

Fredrick Phox

• Definitely an example of having too much time on your hands, but I think we're all thankful that this goofball felt the urge to hit the record button. Classic Ebaumsworld goodness.

Tay Zonday - Chocolate Rain

• Who could ever forget this golden voice? Not to mention his unparalleled ability to move away from the mic in perfect, god-like timing. Truly a legend. It's just a shame nobody could ever remember the lyrics...

Christmas Lights - Trans-Siberian Orchestra

• Didn't matter what kind of person you were, this video blew your mind when it first came out.

Aicha - Gellieman

• One of my personal favorites. The hybrid mix of desperation and bravado is just unmatched. From the Minnie Mouse sheets, to the badly imitated Britney Spears dance moves, this brave soul put it all on the line and let Aicha know how he truly felt. Here's to you, Gellieman, we hope you got your girl.

They're Taking The Hobbits To Eisengard

• A wonderful reminder that you can make a catchy song out of any random shit from movies, this absolutely deserves a spot on this list. It's still played live annually at the renaissance pleasure faire.

All Your Base Are Belong To Us

• This is another big one. It made fun of the horrible localization efforts in an old ported 16-bit game called Zero Wing. The phrase became a literal catch-phrase of internet people. Anyone who was surfing the net before the introduction of myspace and everything that came after, remembers this one. Bouncing around message boards and living on the top 10 of the Newgrounds portal for years. This one is an absolute unit, and dares any other viral video to challenge it. Maybe the comedy won't land on younger viewers, but trust me, this one killed back in the day.

Daler Mehndi - Tunak Tunak Tun

• Catchy as fuck, can't deny it. This one took center-stage in a lot of peoples' lives for a while, taking over at parties and graduations. Here's a goofy example of some drunk goobers experiencing pure unadulterated joy. You can't watch that video and say that those men aren't enjoying life. Thank you, Mr. Mehndi.

Matrix Ping Pong

• Top notch performance artists. Probably the first time a lot of people say "my mind is blown".

Mother's Day

• Classic ebaumsworld comedy. These guys went on to do some funny youtube stuff, I think.

Liam Sullivan - Kelly - "Shoes"

• This guy was truly ahead of his time, youtube eventually came into it's own, but it was pioneers like this that could see what kind of comedy was really going to take off. His other hits include, "let me borrow that top", and "muffins"

Red Vs. Blue - Episode 1 - "Why Are We Here?"

• The first episode of a long-running series, which was possibly the first true "web-show". It also became the catalyst for Machinima.com

The History Of The F Word

• Lewd, crude, and rude. Just the way we liked our early internet. Ebaumsworld and Newgrounds were havens of NSFW flash animations, I feel this one is a good show of that particular realm of comedy. It's a deep well though, feel free to look for all the other flash gems from those times, some are artistic genuis, some are depraved sexual deviancy. Maybe I'll even make a separate list of just those some time.

The Best Cry Ever

• This one really took the world by storm, if you hadn't seen it, and laughed at it, you were a chump. A true classic, one for the ages. Credit where credit is due.

Lasse - Hyperactive

• Makes me yearn for the days when people didn't feel the need to scream at the camera and begs for "likes" and "subscribes". This dude just sat down and put together this absurd piece of performance art. You go down in history, my friend. Hall of famer.

Sexual Harassment Corporate Training Video

• Absurd, but funny. Old ebaumsworld stuff.

Trololol Song

• What can be said? His reputation precedes him.

Two Asian Kids Lip Sync Backstreet Boys

• These kids captured a nation for their 15 minutes of fame. They didn't give a fuck, and it showed.

William Hung Original Audition

• Maybe the most mainstream thing on this list, not even really from the internet, as it was clearly a television show segment. But, one could argue that this angelic singer's voice only broke onto the scene because of the sheer legions of people that shared this video around the AIM message boards and the like. Mr. Hung deserves a mention, as he symbolizes one of the earliest examples of viral success. She bangs... she bangs.

Bed Intruder Song

• My absolute favorite on this entire list, I can still remember being stuck in that endless kind of contagious laughter, with a few buddies at a party when this video first showed up. Probably the hardest I've laughed in my entire life.

Ok Go - Here It Goes Again

• We all know these guys became the masters of unique, creative music video techniques. This was their first big viral hit, always deserves a mention.

The Evolution Of Dance

• Classic. Well done. Took the internet by storm. Referenced in an episode of the office, just like some others on this list.

Milk and Cereal Song

• These two clowns got shared around everywhere after their cover of a G. Love & Special Sauce song hit the nettertubes and got away from them. Anyone have any idea what happened to these guys?

David Blaine Street Magic

• Sketch-comedy troupes were killin' it back in the day. These guys' David Blaine parody videos were legendary. A great mix of improv character acting and handheld camera gimmicks.

Afro Ninja Falls

• I've always wondered what this movie would've looked like, had it ever been made. Alas, our hero didn't stand a chance against his mortal enemy, gravity... apparently.

Leeroy Jenkins

• Can I get a number crunch? Our pal Leeroy will be forever remembered. His bust stands tall in the main atrium of the hall of internet fame. Who among us could resist the call to cheer and root for our rambunctious hero? The sheer bravery alone is breathtaking. He walks among the gods now, the best we can do is uphold his legacy, and keep the video alive. Also, here's a cool animated version.

HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA

• Honestly, not a whole lot can be said about this masterpiece, other than the fact that it's pure internet goodness. The kind of video you can't help you refresh and watch 17 times in a row. It just invokes a special feeling that cannot be topped by the most random of internet goodies. Just watch, and sing along. I like this live-action remake, by the way.

Weebl - Badger Badger Badger

• Was there an emo kid alive in the early 2000's that wasn't jamming to this shit on their Ipod video? Weebl's stuff was one of those few, brutally honest internet cartoon series'. Some of their other videos are absolutely witty british comedy. Who's to say if their "brand" ever really got a true following, but, they definitely had a viral cult following for a while there. It's borderline absurdist humor. Here's a playlist.

Homestar Runner - Strong Bad E-mails

• Speaking of emo kids, this website was home base in those days. It's quirky mix of awkward characters and over-confident weirdos was an obvious hit, especially in a time of shitty network TV. It's no wonder animated internet shows were being watched a lot.

Nerd Rap Battle

• An ebaumsworld classic. Possibly one of the worst displays of cringe ever caught on camera. It's rough. "I don't know what to say!"

Animator Vs. Animation

• Another ebaumsworld classic.

Flea Market Montgomery

• It's just like a mini-mall. Words to live by. This one's a true hall of famer, no doubt. I can't imagine the business this guy must've gotten after this thing went viral. Crazy lucky.

Pretty Much Everywhere, It's Gonna Be Hot

• One really can't help but smile when you hear this man's laugh.

Osama Bin Laden Song (Parody)

• Patriotism at it's very best worst.

Ventrilo Harrassment Balls of Steel

• Blow it out your ass. This one never stops being funny. Years later I still boot it up every now and then just to laugh my ass off. Nothing worse than getting bent.

Group X - Schfifty Five

• Clever for a rock band to use the budding internet as a platform for their comedy songs. Definitely absurdist humor, and maybe ahead of it's time, but it definitely got around the funny websites before YouTube even started. They have a bunch of other hits too, google them.

The Dramatic Chipmunk

• Simple. Effective. Memetastic.

DBZ - It's Over 9000!

• This one got around, and also became like sort of a catch phrase, even making it's way into network TV writing as a sort of: "we get the joke, internet people" kinda thing. It's epic though, and stands the test of time, it's still fun to say, and feels cool. Also in this category is a lot of other funny DBZ based viral videos like "I'mma firin' mah lazer"

Charlie Bit My Finger

• Man, I wish I could get a figure on how many suburban moms shared this one with their whole extended family on myspace. Must be an astronomical number. This one's a real milestone marker as it was probably the first internet video that was fully acceptable for daytime television appearances and on shows like Ellen

I like Turtles

• Johnathan the zombie might've been experiencing a bit of stage fright, or maybe he just really likes turtles that much. But one thing is clear, he was a star.

That's a 10

• "Warm it up" This guy is just the right mix of scary and informative. Err... maybe he's just a serial killer.

SlapChop Parody Edit (Slap My Nuts)

• This guy ended up in jail for beating up a hooker, right? At least he left us with some hilarious shit to laugh at, what a coked out maniac.

Derrick Comedy - National Spelling Bee

• Donald Glover has become a household name, recently, but us classic internet fans will always remember him in these sketch comedy segments with his old troupe. They have a ton of hysterical videos.

Whitest Kids U' Know - Abe Lincoln

• Another great sketch comedy troupe, who's main guy (Trevor Moore) has also recently been gaining a lot of fame and popularity. This is my favorite sketch of theirs, and works as a great sample of their work from the mid 2000s

The Hampster Dance

• Random, Goofy, and Catchy. What's not to like? This original internet musical hit used to play at bowling alleys, and eventually showed up in cheesy cheap comedy movies.

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

• Will we ever get to know what peanut butter jelly time really is? Or are we forced to live in wonder, and be driven mad by our desire to get our hands on a baseball bat. Whatever the case, I know I had a good time singing along to this one through the years.

The Keyboard Cat

• Another insanely pop-cultured internet viral video. This one became like a go-to for TV shows to joke about how funny the internet was. Still, it's iconic and deserves it's spot.

Banana Phone - Animated Short

• There was some really talented artists lurking on Newgrounds throughout the 2000s. I'll bet half of them work as animators for game companies now or something. This one is a nice example of the great kind of comedy that was thriving in that world at the time.

YTMND

• Oh, boy. This one can't go by without a real explanation. This little, seemingly throwaway line from the movie "Finding Forrester" has Sean Connery uttering such a meaningless piece of dialogue, but... it spawned a website. It spawned an entire community of early meme makers. They went on to spiritually create the adviceanimals. The modern meme as you know it today was truly started on YTMND.com. It was a breeding ground for viral internet comedy, one who's brood took over as a new generation of goofballs. -Cpt. Jean-Luc Picard, USS Enterprise.

My New Haircut

• Damn, this one was literally THE halloween costume of my junior year in high school. The whole year, you couldn't walk five feet without hearing someone quote the video. Hugely viral.

YouTubePoop - It's All Right Here Are Your Fingertits

• I love how Pete is just gaming, hard, instead of working on school work. Seriously though, these YouTubePoops were a big genre of viral videos, this one is my favorite, and I think it can serve as the representative on this list for all the YTP videos. It's a solid classic, every 5 seconds, there's a joke. It's great.

FPS Doug - Boom! Headshot

• This was an awesome show, one of the first real examples of an indie "web show" that revolved around playing videogames. Although it took on a ton of magical and unrealistic themes, it had some really genius satire on the competitive gaming communities of the mid 2000s. Here's FPS Doug, showing us a regular day in the life of a professional Counter Strike: Source player.

Don Hertzfeldt's "Rejected" Cartoons

• These made their way around Ebaumsworld, and Newgrounds and pretty much everywhere else for a few years. I remember they were toted as being legitimate, but as you watch them in "the future" with a more critical eye, it's clear they were just a piece of art, and not really any submitted cartoons. The artist has gone one to create some seriously genius short films for Netflix and has a budding career now. Let's take a moment to recognize how he started in the text-based void of the early internet video sharing sites.

Yatta!

• I don't even know what to say... Just, Japan. This shit is hilarious, I used to crack up and watch this over and over as a pre-teen. Good times. Hope it brings back memories :)

Broken Wear

• More strange Japan stuff. Viral as shit. FIYAH BRESS

Kitty Cat Dance

• So random and weird, but I think it really showcases how deranged and odd the humor got in these flash videos back in the day. If you want more like this, message me or something, there's basically a whole sect of oddball videos like this.

Little Superstar

• The less I know about what the fuck this really is, the better. I always just found it hilarious, and the early community of Ebaumsworld clearly did too.

Kerpal - You Kicked My Dog (Prank Call)

• Oh Kerpal, how you made us laugh. The early internet had a huge wave of funny prank phone calls, many of which used a soundboard with Arnold Schwarzenegger or another movie star, but I think this one encapsulates the spirit of that short internet comedy fad.

Samwell - What What (In The Butt)

• Hilarious, and an A for production value. Makes you wonder how he convinced his producers to fund such a ridiculous video. Either way, we're greatful to have been treated this goofy gem, here's hoping he finally found someone who complied with his romantic requests.

Unforgiveable: Part 1

• Who knows where the fuck this dude came from, or what compelled him to make this video, but... we're thankful. Maybe a bit juvenile, looking back, but as a high schooler, I laughed my ass off. "Chicken sandwich and some waffle fries, for free."

Star Wars Gangster Rap

• I thought this one made a nice book-ending to this list, especially since Star Wars is so ingrained in pop-culture, and now in meme-culture as well. What with /prequelmemes and such, I figured it was honorable to end this with a classic viral internet star wars parody, and one of my all time favorites. "We got Death Star, we got Death Star, we got Death Star."*

---Honorable Mentions---
Internet people

• Not really a "viral video" as it's more a tribute to them. So it deserves a mention, it's a fun round-up of early internet videos, all animated in a funny way. Though, it's a little outdated now.

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

• Came out after 2010, so it breaks our cutoff year rule. Still, Schmoyoho is such a great contributor to the the viral scene through the years, that I felt some of his other greats deserved a mention, although they're more recent, and not quite "vintage".

Backin Up Song

• Another great, semi-recent Schmoyoho song.

Jon Lajoie - High As Fuck

• Not as popular as the other Jon Lajoie video in the list, but it's my personal favorite of his, so I wanted to include it. Makes me laugh every time, especially the ramble at the end.

IllWillPress - 5 More Minutes

• IllWillPress was just as popular as HomestarRunner, if not more, but it doesn't seems to strike a memory cord with too many people on the subreddit so far, so it's in this section. They had a lot of good videos though.

Jones' Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage

• Definitely great, but a little late to the game, when youtube was starting to take over.

It started with a knock to the rhythm of shave and a haircut.
I was sitting on my couch dozing off to the droning of the anchors on the nightly news when the sharp and energetic rapping brought me back to the land of the living. I shook myself awake and turned my head towards the door of my apartment. I picked my cellphone up off the coffee table and looked at the time: 11:54 pm. I saw no texts and no missed calls and didn't know anyone who would drop by my place announced, especially not at almost midnight.
I tossed my phone back down on the table and stood up wiping the sleep from eyes and the drool from the corner of my mouth. I had barely made it to my feet when the knocking came again; it was exactly the same as the last time, sharp, energetic, and to the beat of shave and a haircut.
"Who's there?" I shouted out. A little apprehensive to approach the door.
"It's your downstairs neighbor!" The voice was mans, slightly gruff and with a bit of southern drawl to it. "I was just wondering if I could ask you a question."
I reached up and scratched my beard as I attempted to recall who lived below me, but for life of me I couldn't. My contact with the neighbors had been minimal since I had moved in, my long work hours kept most of my socializing to nods as I passed people in the hall.
"What is it?" I took a step around the side of my couch, still not quite ready to walk all the way over to the door.
"Would you mind opening up so we don't have to shout through your door." The man let out an impatient laugh as he spoke. "I'll be quick, I promise."
I sighed and shuffled towards the door finally, more annoyed than anything. What the hell could be so important that he's knocking on my door at that late hour? I braced my hands on the door and put my eye to the peephole. The man on the other side of the door was wearing a red trucker’s hat pulled low enough to hide everything but his mouth and chin. He was half turned away from the door making it seem like he was looking at something else down the hall. The whole thing pushed my panic buttons but despite my better judgement I hooked the chain on the door and opened it just enough to talk.
"So, what is it?" I asked peeking through the crack. He leaned over to look at me and his face came into view with a friendly smile. His eyes were sunken into his skull and sported the kind of dark circles that come from lack of sleep. His seemingly friendly smile was a bit crooked and his teeth looked nicotine yellow.
"Hey there neighbor." His eyes darted around as if were trying to see into my apartment then they settled on me. "My wife and I just lost all our cell service and we were wondering if you did too? I mean everything just kinda crapped out, landline too." He made a fart sound with his mouth and let out a nervous little laugh.
I groaned and held up one finger to let him know I’d be back in a second, he nodded and I closed the door to go check my phone I’d left on the coffee table. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and unlocked it - sure enough in the corner it was showing that I had no signal. It didn't make any sense, I always had full bars when I was at home. Even the Wi-Fi seemed to have stopped working.
"Yeah!" I yelled back through the door. "I got nothing!"
"What was that friend-o, I couldn't quite hear you."
I grumbled again and walked back over to the door opening it just a crack.
"Yeah, my cell isn't getting a signal either. It looks like even the Wi-Fi is out." I yawned as I let out the last words - my body’s gentle way of asking me to wrap it up and go to bed.
"Strange right?" He stroked his chin and bit his bottom lip. "Some kind of interference I guess?"
I heard another sound down the hallway, it sounded like a woman talking - my eyes darted that way and the man's followed me. Suddenly there was a crashing sound something that sounded like a scream being cut short. The next few moments are like a blur in my head because of how quickly they happened.
Before I could react to the scream another came from the other side of the hall, then the power went out sending the building into total darkness. My brain barely had time to register what had happened when I felt the man shoulder the door as hard as he could in attempt to break the chain. I was so startled and disoriented I fell backwards and landed on my ass and smacked my shoulder into the wall on the way down.
The man’s second hit snapped the chain fastener free from the door frame and in the blink of an eye he was on top of me. I felt his fist crash into my ribs and send a dull pain spreading through my gut. His other hand gripped my hair and forced my head to the ground - I could hear more screams erupting throughout the building and my voice joined the chorus.
The next fist came crashing down into the bridge of my nose, I felt the crack of the cartilage and the sudden rush of blood from my nostrils.
"Shut the fuck up!" His gruff town took on its more natural menace. My eyes were foggy from the punch and the darkness but I could make out his blurry shape reaching for something behind his back. "Nothing personal here chief, just trying to make our mark."
Not wanting to find out what was about to happen to me I started kicking my legs and lashing out with my arms in a flurry of punches that lacked any kind of leverage. In a stroke of pure luck my knee caught his groin and I heard him howl through his teeth as rolled away from me out of instinct giving me just enough time to struggle my way to my feet. Somewhere in the building a gunshot rang out, then another scream, then someone laughing, My eyes were readjusting now and I could make out the shape of my attacker groaning as he tried to get to his feet. I wound up my leg like I was trying to kick a game winning field goal and swung my leg forward as hard as I could.
I felt the top of my foot connect with the underside of his jaw, I could hear his teeth close hard and he suddenly rolled over onto his back gripping his own mouth in a way that muffled his screams. I only took a second to look at the floor next to him - where something lay in a small pool of blood - before running out of my apartment.
I'd caused him to bite off the tip of his own tongue.
As I stepped into the hallway I saw the apartment across from me awash with a dim blue light. I could hear a child crying from inside, I remembered the single mother that lived there with her 6 year old son and suddenly felt ill. I took a step towards the door hoping I could do something but before my foot could cross the threshold the child’s crying was suddenly silenced. I covered my mouth in horror as the realization hit me that I was very likely too late. I could hear struggles and screams from every apartment in the hallway, another gunshot rang out through the building and I wondered if it was and attacker or a victim that pulled the trigger.
Things went silent just long enough for me to hear a faint singing as the dim blue light from inside my neighbor’s apartment grew stronger.
"Jesus loves me, this I know, because the bible tells me so..."
A woman's sing song voice preceded her appearance in the doorway. She was wearing a stark white dress splattered with blood that looked black in the blue light of the glow stick she held above her head. In her other hand she had Bowie knife held loosely. She almost danced into my view at the rhythm of her own singing. When she saw me a smile crossed her lips and her grip on the knife became more firm.
"Jesus loves me..." No longer singing but making a statement of fact. She rushed towards me with the blade out. I backpedaled and remember repeating the word "no" over and over again as I turned to run down the hall.
"We got a runner!" The woman screamed and as she did I saw another man come running into the hallway from one of the apartments ahead of me. He was big with blood stained hams for hands and he came rushing towards me in the other direction. I made a quick move into another open apartment just as the woman caught up with me. She slashed her blade across my shoulder sending a surge of pain to my senses. I got inside and slammed the door hard in her face and closed a series of locks just in time to feel ham hands slam his weight into the door hard enough to rattle the hinges.
I backed away looking for something to use as a barricade and deciding on the couch. I started pushing it towards the still rattling door as I ignored the searing pain in my shoulder. The end of the couch pressed against the door and I braced myself against it planting my feet as firmly as I could. Each hit on the door shook me to the bones and I found myself praying and asking why at the same time.
Suddenly a figure emerged from the bedroom and my heart froze in my chest. In my desire to escape I locked myself in an apartment, but one of them was already inside. I watched the person - who faded into view from the darkness revealing his aging features and gray beard - slowly walk from the shadows. There was a dazed look on his face and his white tank top was splattered with blood, I could see the shape of a baseball bat in his hands. I leapt up to defend myself figuring the door was close to giving way regardless of my help. As I readied myself to fight tooth and nail the aging man shook off his dazed look and suddenly rushed past me and took my spot bracing the door.
"What are you doing? Fucking help me!!!" The aging man was pressing all his weight against the couch now the baseball bat tucked under one of his arms. I dropped my fists and joined him in once again pressing against the couch. As we stood together trying to keep the lunatics from getting in I recognized him. I'd seen him in the halls, I was in his apartment, 4-F.
"Why the hell are they doing this?!" I shouted as each hit against the door sending new pain shooting through shoulder and bruised ribs.
"How the fuck should I know?!" 4-F replied through clenched teeth.
I heard the locks rattle, then frame of the door creak and splinter. One hit was so hard I felt the bits of wood rain down across my face as they broke free from the door. 4-F kept his shoulder against the couch but transferred the bat back to his hands.
"They get in here, run to the kitchen and grab a knife." He nodded in the direction of the kitchen.
"Muthafucha may muh buh off muh owd toug!" I heard someone shout from the other side of the door and quickly realized the one who'd started the attack at my door was back on his feet. "Ih gouh cuh huh fuchun hurd ow"
The door gave and pushed inwards moving the couch back a few inches despite our push against it. Ham hands peeked his head in through the crack and pushed hard against the broken door. He was strong winning the battle of strength without much effort and opening the door far enough to get inside.
4-F was quick to lunge forward with his bat and I watched it connect with ham hands face. The bloodied giant somehow managed to not only take the hit but shrug it off and wrap his hands around the throat of my aging neighbor. I made a break for the kitchen and scrambled the counter looking for a knife as I heard them struggling against each other a few feet from me. Another gunshot rang out from somewhere followed by another and then a third. In my head I saw people lined up for execution by cold unfeeling monsters. My knuckles turned white as they gripped the handle of a butcher’s knife, I turned to see the large man pressing 4-F up against a wall and strangling him. I rushed forward and tried to bring the knife down into the man’s back, but the redneck looking man from earlier - now minus half a tongue - caught my hand before I could.
I could see the woman walk in behind him as he smiled at me with bloodstained teeth. My attention was drawn over to 4-F as he started trying to scream through a closed windpipe, he was still weakly swinging the bat at the man who had him by the throat but his fingers finally weakened and it dropped to the ground with a clunk. The redneck guy twisted my wrist to make me drop the knife and then brought his own to my throat as he spun around me and held me in place.
"Wah" I heard him say - his attempt to say watch - as he gripped the back of my hair and aimed my head to look directly at 4-F as the ham handed man dropped him to the ground, and picked up the bat. 4-F looked over to me, his eyes were begging for help but every time I even twitched the tongue less one dug the point of the blade into my throat. The big one lifted the bat above his head and without a moment of hesitation brought it down on 4-F's face. I heard his skull crack and even felt the mist of the blood spray as the bat came down over and over again. When he'd turned my neighbors head into pulp, the big man tossed down the bat with a grunt and walked towards the door.
"Finish up you two." Another series of gunshots rang through the building. "Sounds like it's almost over." With those words the big man exited the room.
I watched as the girl walked over to 4-F's body and hunched over him giggling. She stuck her fingers in the pool of blood around what used to be his face and used it to start drawing on the wall. She wrote out a phrase:
Rise Pigs Rise
"That'll confuse the shit out of em." She laughed and I heard the man still holding his knife to my throat reciprocate. "C'mon, finish this one. Let's go see the master."
Suddenly the knife left my throat and for a wild second I thought they were letting me go - until the blade was thrust into my back. I arched away and felt it slip out painfully and go into my two more times before the man let go of my hair and let me fall to the floor bleeding. Just as I hit the ground I heard another gunshot, this one from down the hall on my floor. I choked and sputtered up blood as the two stood above me laughing.
"Let him bleed out..." I heard her say. "It's funnier that way."
I looked up towards them and watched the man pull a gun from his jacket pocket, the girl lifted her dress to reveal one taped to her thigh. Each of them took the gun in hand and placed it against their temples.
"Wuh hank oo fo yah loe" "We thank you for your love"
The spoke in unison and then looked down at me and smiled. There was a brief moment where our eyes locked and in them I saw nothing but triumph. My vision started to fade and their eyes both closed. I heard them cock the hammers on their guns and this time only the girl spoke.
"We deliver this souls unto you as well as our own, we become part of you in the name of the end. Accept our sacrifice for death eternal."
Through blur I watched as they each pulled their trigger when her "prayer" was done. They both crumpled down in front of me the man sprawled on top of the woman. Her eyes were open again and staring right into mine, they were lifeless and blank but a smile was still stretched across her lips. The last sight I saw before passing out was drops of crimson running down her pale face like rain down a gutter.
I woke up in a hospital surrounded by nurses and detectives. I was the only survivor in the building that night and no one could explain what the hell happened. The detectives told me that it seemed like there was one assigned to each of the 20 apartments in my building and when they were done with whoever was inside they scrawled some kind of cryptic message on the wall before killing themselves. They had apparently used cellphone jammers they purchased off the internet to block signals in the building, the police found them stuck outside in the hallway of each floor. I told them what I knew but honestly I wasn't much help - my mind was a mess and even if it hadn't been I didn't have any answers.
Everything about the situation was off though. It was a major crime, dozens killed in an apartment building, all the perps dead at the scene by their own hand before police even arrived. It was the kind of thing the mainstream media eats up with a spoon - yet not one reporter ever came to my bedside, or tried to take a picture through the hospital window. It never showed up on the news or in the paper, it was like they were trying to make it so the event never happened. It made no sense.
A few days into my hospital stay the police came and thanked me for my cooperation, they explained the case was being handed off to homeland security and that someone would come by to visit me shortly. It was only an hour or so after they’d left that a woman in a suit appeared in my room just as I was dozing off. She identified herself as homeland security but I honestly couldn’t remember her name after she left, most likely due to the effect of the pain killers.
She didn’t ask any questions, or even seem to be investigating at all she shoved a pile of forms into my hand and told me that I was no longer allowed to speak about the incident. I signed, I was drugged out of my mind and she made vague threats towards me that registered just enough to get me to put my name to the papers.
I wouldn’t have even written this if it hadn’t of been for what happened as she was leaving. There was a priest waiting just outside my room for her and he peeked in just as she was walking out. I was drowsy but could pick out bits of what they were saying to each other.
“More incidents…”
“They are growing…”
And the last words I heard from the priests mouth before I finally drifted into a drugged out sleep.
“The end of everything…”
X